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Awakenning

Why I was so stupid to dedicated myself to only one career? I suddenly woke up that I could be a Chinese teacher here when I am working for a design company. I could be an artist as well as a protector of animals in some organization. I could be anything I want as long as I am living and could afford my consumption. Suppose I have been always working for a goal and spend all those years in it, how many excited, wonderful life I would miss! And how dissapointed I might be when I finally achieve the only goal and realize that!

Live the life now and don't worry about the future too much, at least for me!

Excerpt from Siddhartha

"In every truth the opposite is equally true. For example, a truth can only be epressed and enveloped in words if it is one-sided. Everything that is thought and expressed in words is one-sided, only half the truth; it all lacks totality, completeness, unity.

Time is not real, then the dividing line that seems to lie between this world and eternity, between suffering and bliss, between good and evil, is also an illusion. ... The world is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a long path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment; every sin already carries grace within it, all small chidren are potential old men, all sucklings hae death within them, al dying people-eternal life.

During deep meditation it is possible to dispel time, to see simultaneously all the past, present and future, and then everything is good, everything is perfect, everything is Brahman. Therefore, it seems to me that everthing that exists is good--death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly. Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my loving understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me.

It seems to me, Govinda, that love is the most important thing in the world. It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only imporant to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves nd all eings with love, admiration and respect."

I don't know why I torment myself by examining my behaviour everyday after school. Why I didn't do that? What I should have said or done? What? What? What? Why, Why, Why?
Am I sick? However, I should see my improvement and try my best to forget the resolution.

Ridiculous!

They get divorce and still need my help. I am like the enzyme to speed up this event. I remember that sleepless night when I sat on my knees on the bed and prayed for my parents' happiness. Holding my own hands, I pleaded my secret God to let them happy. If divorce could do, then get divorce. Then, came that nightmare. When I slept in the dorm, I dreamt they really got divorce. But the mood was really bad. They screamed at each other and mom was lying on the bed. I woke up suddenly with the pleasure to see that was only a dream.
Still, I won't regret for what I have done. won't I?